Disconnected

Reverb10 Day 12-- Body Integration: This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?  Courtesy of  Patrick Reynolds.

This makes me nervous, but it really doesn't take  a Rhodes Scholar to figure out that as an overweight, tired, 40 year old woman I don't always feel integrated with my body. In fact, I'd venture to say that more often than not, I feel more of an outer-body experience whenever I catch a glimpse in the mirror.

Don't get me wrong; I know the right answer. I feel integrated with my body when I take care of it. When I appreciate it. When I feed it well, stretch it out and pamper it a bit. I feel integrated when I feel alive; when I'm walking, downward-dogging and enjoying that long, slow, deep stretch as I wake up in the morning.

Lately, though, there's more disintegration than integration. There's the convenience food rather than the food that feeds not only the body but the soul; the excuses that preempted the walks and the downward dog devotion; the lethargy that kept me hitting the snooze rather than the ground running.

I'm making changes now that will, hopefully, lead to a very different reality come 2011. First and foremost, I'm learning that the integration starts in the mind; not the body. Choosing to be grateful for this body, what it does and the amazing gifts it gives me rather than berating it for the extra fluff it's held on to is step one. Breathing...deep, slow, filling breaths. That's step two. Getting help is step three. Step four is accountability. And step five is celebrating. I've never celebrated the tiny baby steps in being a better me, but I am an expert in beating myself up for not reaching the end goal. Not a coincidence that my actions perpetuate the circle. And I'm the only one who can change it.

11 Things

Reverb10, Day 11--11 Things

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? courtesy of Sam Davidson

Well, let's see. Thinking about things my life doesn't need is simple but Lord knows that even though there are quite a few things I don't need, that doesn't mean I'll get rid of them (thinking things here like coffee, unnecessary spending and my devotion to The Young and the Restless). Then there are the things that really, truly serve no purpose but I keep them around because I haven't yet been ready to let them go.


1. Excuses. Yep, I make them and half the time I don't believe them either. They never help; yes, they might prolong the inevitable for just a bit, but whatever I'm trying to avoid is still there, waiting patiently, resolved to not budge.

2. Blame. The ugly twin of #1. Blame needs to go, and I need to fully accept my responsibility for where I am and how I live my life. No matter what someone else does (or does not do) I choose how I act or don't act.

3. Denial. I'm 40-freakin-years-old;  no reason to pretend that refusing to acknowledge my bank balance means it will magically grow.

4. The weight. Yep, I know I say this every year. And around this time, every year, I'm completely pissed off at myself because I weigh the same I did in January. But right now my back hurts, and I know it's my extra weight; I'm always tired, but know that's the extra weight. For whatever reason I was never really ready to let it go before; I think I'm ready now.

5. Thinking 'this is it'. I'm a realist, and I don't believe in the 'if you think it, it will happen' movement. I don't care how many times I think "I am 6 foot tall with long flowing black hair and a perfect nose"....just ain't gonna happen. BUT that doesn't mean that I have to think that this is it....no, it's not. I'm only stuck if I refuse to move.
6. Facebook stalking. Oh,shush....you do it too.

7. Wasting time. I don't utilize the little pockets of time that I have well, and I've always been an 'all or nothing' type of girl. I need to learn how to leverage the 20 minute gifts of time to my advantage instead of piddling them away. I'd be so much more productive.

8. Crappy music. Let's just say I wouldn't shed a tear if I never, ever, ever hear Taylor Swift's voice again. Or Kesha's, or Jessica Simpson's.

9. Pretending that making a home isn't important. I downplay this part of  my life sometimes because it doesn't seem as important as some of the other tasks at hand (making a living, buying groceries, etc). But creating and nurturing an environment where the kids love to be, where they feel loved, where we all feel comfortable; well, that's important to me and I love puttering around the house, finding ways to make it seem nicer than it is. I shouldn't discount that.

10. Being too busy to plan. I'm a big fan of the 'fly by the seat of my pants' school of thought. And the world doesn't end when I'm scattered, but I create a lot of stress for myself (and those I love). I need to take a few minutes to plan and stop telling myself I 'don't have time'. I'd save so much time if I'd just think before I act.

11. Beige. Or black, since they're pretty much interchangeable; I tend to say 'beige' about the lifestyle and black about the clothes, but the sentiment is the same: conformist, boring, sad. Uninspired. I refuse to live a color-less life. I think that's the reason I'm missing scrapbooking so much....I miss the color, the paint, the combination of things that make the heart smile. This year, I need less beige.

Wisdom, or something like it

Reverb10 December 10 – Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? prompted by Author Susannah Conway 

Full disclosure: I avoided this prompt yesterday. Wisdom is such a big word...so much bigger than smart, clever, accomplished, intellectual, knowledgeable...bigger, even, than the definitions I found when I felt lost and went looking for clarification. First shot, from the 'look up' function in Word:

  

good sense: the ability to make sensible decisions and judgments based on personal knowledge and experience 

Yeah. Ability, though, doesn't always translate to doing, now does it? I most certainly have the ability to make sensible decisions. The will to execute, though, is another conversation. 

Take two, from dictionary.com: 

–noun 1. the quality or state of being wise; knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight.

Better....combines knowledge with action.  It's that combination, I think, that separates those who do from those who know. Question is, what spurs the action? Perhaps wisdom, in part, comes from understanding our motivation and what lies behind the voices that divert our attention from what's really important and keep us in the cycle of acting without wisdom.

This year, then, I'd have to say that the wisest decision I made was to stop thinking that everything is about ME. Taking the advice that I give my kids, that when someone is mean to you or hurts your feelings it more than likely has to do with them, and what they are dealing with, than it does with you. That when things don't work out the way you want them to it's not because the universe hates you; in fact the only connection to me is probably that I got from the universe what I gave it. 

Part of coming to terms with the fact that it's not all about me is taking responsibility: responsibility for my thoughts, for my actions, for my decisions. Someone may have done something that I hated; doesn't mean I have to react with hatred. I cannot control them, but I can control how I respond (even if I choose to not respond....sometimes inaction is an action in itself). 

Second point of full disclosure: this decision I made, to stop thinking that everything is about me, is something I fail at. Often. Daily. I forget to put ego aside, I get worked up in what I want or need and I forget to follow through on my wise decisions. I assume that when someone hurts my feelings they meant to do so, that when they slight me it's because they don't like me or that when they don't keep their word it's because of ME. I am still learning these things. I still struggle. I still fail.

The hardest part of the struggle, I think, is breaking the habit of assuming the worst. I don't think I'm a Debbie Downer, especially when it comes to other people and their  circumstance. When it's me, though, I have come to understand that I think in a way that doesn't serve me well. I assume deals will fall through; I assume people won't value my work; I assume I am less than.  Breaking that cycle, that's the real work.

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change."

~ Wayne Dyer

Different

This is a tough one. Reverb#10 Prompt December 8--Beautifully Different.

Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. from the fascinating Karen Walrond.

Tough because on the surface, I have always had an obvious physical difference: my hair. Growing up I longed for something normal to grow on my head and secretly wished for coal black hair. I wasn't picky, though, and would have been happy with mousy brown, dishwater blonde or platinum....anything but red.

For the uninspired boys at school my hair gave them an easy out; they didn't have to work very hard to think of something to make fun of, they simply fell back on the old standards of 'carrot top', 'Ronald McDonald' or my all time worst nightmare 'Annie'. Didn't matter if the barbs were uninspired; they worked anyway.

Now that I'm older, though, I feel like I've grown into my hair. I feel sad that it's growing ever-more blonde with the passing years and wish that it was still as bright and fiery as it was way back then. That whole 'hindsight is 20/20' thing is true, I've learned.

The tough part of this prompt, though, is finding a link between the 'what makes me different' and 'what I do that lights people up'. Because what I do that lights people up is no different than what millions of mothers/women/daughters/sisters/friends/lovers/partners do every single day that lights others up. We listen, share, encourage, laugh, support, hold, prod, shock, question, touch.....we do hundreds of little things every single day. Not because we're unique, or different, but because we are women. 

How I do it is, perhaps, different than how other women do it; you know, the whole 'different strokes, different folks' concept. But what matters in the end is we do it. Simple as that.

Oops, I did it again....

I've always hated that expression 'the cobblers children have no shoes', but I sure have proven the sentiment to be true of late: the writer's blog has no entries. It's been far too long, more than a month filled with activity and drama and enough stuff to keep me away from introspection and self-reflection.

I told someone not so long ago that when I was in my 20's, working 80 hours a week and enjoying my time as a single gal around Chicago, I thought I was so incredibly busy I couldn't imagine fitting more into the day. Ten years after that, when I was still working as many hours but had added a husband and a few offspring to the mix I looked back on that that time and thought 'what the hell did I DO with all that time?!"

Now, another 10 years after that, I'm asking the same question and juggling clients, friends, loved ones and children and trying my darnedest to not let any of them drop through the proverbial cracks. But they do drop, I've learned, some so lightly and with the ability to bounce back that I may not have noticed but for that Catholic guilt that I've mastered in my 40 years. Others, though, come crashing down with a thud so loud you'd think my big backside dropped along with it.

So I'm coming--yet again--to the realization that I get to choose how I spend my time, who I invest it in, and what I do with my hours. I haven't quite made it past the point of knowing this to be true and implementing the wisdom I'm so thrilled to have. But since I'm a work in progress, I'm going to pat myself on the back for trying and leave it at that.

So you can imagine how thrilled I was to stumble upon Reverb10 on Twitter, a lovely concept that I am hoping will give me the impetus to blog a little, every day. Just a little....which means I grant myself permission to not worry about saying something interesting or long or 'worth reading'. I'm using this lovely concept as a reason to just write. Anything or not much at all. Whatever flows from the prompts.

December 6 prompt from the lovely Gretchen Rubin: Make

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

The last thing...memories. With my Nicholas, who had been feeling (in his words) "unloved and not very happy". Broke my heart to hear that, and made me realize that in all the activity of late I'd lost touch with what I hold most dear: time with my kids. Not time grocery shopping, or running errands or practicing spelling words. But just time connecting. I'd become too busy, which is ludicrous if you think about it. So tonight, just my little guy and I, we made some memories. We perked up his room, put up a tiny little tree with some cool lights (Ninja lights, he calls them, because they can blink like a disco ball or fade in and out with the touch of a button), decorated with ornaments (during which he said "Uh, Mommy, can you stop calling the ornaments balls? It just sounds wrong."), cuddled in his comfy chair and drank some hot cocoa. It wasn't much and it cost nothing but time.

There are so many more things I'd like to be making: cookies, aprons, scrapbooks, cards, curtains......and quite a few more I need to be making: money, progress, a difference, waves, history. But for now, for tonight, I am content to know that I made my little guy feel loved.